how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
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He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
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So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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