help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
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Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
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Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.