Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
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Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
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You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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