Her vagina should come with caution tape.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
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just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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