Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Randomize
