we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
