if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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