I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
