phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
