Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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