weddingsv make me drug and hornr
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
