You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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