just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
