I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
So squirting runs in the family.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...