bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void