True but thats because hes a fetus.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."