This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil