before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
