When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
