My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
