Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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