Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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