I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
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Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
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I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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