It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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