I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Randomize
