ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
i now understand why vodka
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
