we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
It was like giving head to a cactus.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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