the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
