Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
