i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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