god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
