that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
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I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
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Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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