Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
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