K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
