omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
