Don't worry. I has chaperone.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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