Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
