I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
