i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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