i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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