...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
