god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
