well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
