I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
