You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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