The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
