I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
