Umm I'm too high to move.
I can text with my tongue
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
