Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
