I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
