non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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