So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
