I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
