Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
