how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
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