i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
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During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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