Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
