If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
