Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
