It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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