If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
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