When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
