The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Randomize
