saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Randomize
