1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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